I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
