I just saw a hot homeless man
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
