planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
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