well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
