Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
Randomize
