we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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