no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Randomize
