if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
