I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
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