i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
he told me I talked like a deaf person
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Randomize
