Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
she peed on how many people?
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
