i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize