yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
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