I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Randomize
