Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
