I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
Randomize
