he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
