Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
