Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
