So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
Randomize
