A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Pregnant stripper...not hot.
I just cut my nipple shaving
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
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