Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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