My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
