What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Randomize
