Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
