Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Randomize
