so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
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