the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Randomize
