it was like his penis was on wheels.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Randomize
