if i can run in heels then i can drive
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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