Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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