Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
Randomize
