you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
