don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Randomize
