I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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