I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
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