I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
