I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Randomize
