apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
I could make wine with my vomit
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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