pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Randomize
