I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize
