I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
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