she looked like the before picture.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
