Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
I'm just crazy horny about you
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize