My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
