Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
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