you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Randomize
