I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
