im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
