fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
just do him I won't tell jon
um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
