I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
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