I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Randomize
