This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
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