If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
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