I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
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